I miss you and I hate myself for it
by livingforfiction
Summary: Donna and Harvey's relationship didn't work. The firm broke, and everyone left. Including them, who were totally out of each other's lives. AU set after 8x16.


**Warning: This fic contains graphic depictions of violence, self-harming, and explicit descriptions of depression. PLEASE, don't read if you think there is the slightest chance it might affect you. Remember our mental health goes first. Also, this is very sad, you guys, just know that.**

**Thanks, and all my love for you. 3**

…...

**March 2020 - Chicago, Illinois.**

Donna woke up to the sound of an ambulance horn. _Shit._ Five months and twenty five days. So little left for the six months… the first thing that came to her mind as soon as she opened her eyes and her consciousness brushed in. What a fucking torture.

She got up, got dressed, arrived at work. That was her life lately. Her morning was going smooth and usual, until Jessica knocked on her door. "Yes", she replied.

"How's your day going?" asked Jessica. That woman had been her life vest since the massive wave of messes had taken over her life back in October.

Donna smiled weakly. "Well… been better."

Jessica knew exactly what that meant. "Has he called… or a text, anything?"

Donna looked up from her desk, her eyes tired and sad. Her head shook, he hasn't given any sign of life. She didn't know whether or not she preferred that way.

"Donna…"

"Don't, Jess." her eyes begged her friend not to continue. She would tell her to call him, make up, go back, move back to NYC. It was hell more complicated than that.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to…"

"I know. Help." Donna smiled weakly. Jessica pointed to the chair in front of her, Donna nodded, and Jessica sat down. "It's just been so hard… all my life, I've… known how to cope, damn, I spent fourteen years of my life in love with him and I tolerated the distance for so long, but now… I feel like I'm drowning."

Jessica stretched her arm and took Donna's hand in hers.

"Every day of these past five months has been a complete state of numbness… this job is the only thing keeping me afloat. And you, of course."

"Aren't you happy? With _him…_"

Donna stared through the large windows of her office. Jessica's secretary's boyfriend sent the girl flowers again.

"He's… everything I wish I could be in love with, but I… I don't love him. I'm a masochistic who's still in love with the guy who broke her heart. For more than a decade."

"Have you told him? Does he know how you feel about Harvey?"

"No, Jess, I can't do that to him. Maybe with time, love will come. I'll learn how to love him. It's just too soon, it's just that."

Jessica eyed her in the same way she used to eye Harvey. "Darling, you know I understand what you're going through… but don't forget you're involving someone who thinks you love him. You've involved him for the last five months and you continue to get him involved every single day. How's he gonna react when you can't hold it anymore?"

"Hold what?"

Jessica remained silent. What had happened to the Donna she knew? This was a completely different woman. Always in denial, always lost in her memories, never facing the need to change her life and move on. "Your feelings, Donna."

"I'm hoping time will heal me… He's so good to me, I know I'll heal beside him."

"Donna, honey… We've been friends for a while. Take this as an advice from someone who loves you."

Donna knew she wouldn't like what she was gonna hear. But that was why Jessica was her friend.

"Don't hide it from him anymore."

Donna looked at her for a brief second before her eyes watered.

There was a reason behind all that emotional storm today. Tomorrow is Donna's birthday. And the first one she's gonna spend apart from Harvey. More than apart, he's been completely out of her life for the past five months, for the first time in fourteen years. No doubt she's breaking, thought Jessica.

"What good will that do?"

"He will know you're suffering inside, he will want to help you. Thomas is the kindest guy I've met."

"You mean tell him I'm still in love with the guy who I left him for in the first place, the guy who's dating his last girlfriend, who got him permanently?"

"Have you been going to therapy?" asked Jessica, sounding careful and loving as always.

"Yes." _No._

"Really?"

"Yes."

In that second, Jessica's secretary interrupted them with a knock. There was something urgent she had to deal with. Donna needed a break, from that chat, from her life, from everything. Her job was the only good thing she could feel grateful for. Oh, and Jess and Thomas too.

At eight p.m., she left the building feeling the warm humidity hit her. She loved cold, but there was one good thing she could point out of hot weathers: she could walk home freely. People usually stayed in the streets and sideways until much longer into the night, so she felt safer. She walked home because it did her good… she could think.

She put on her earpods and tapped play, the song started right where it was cut off as she started her way back home.

_I think I'll miss you forever_

_Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies_

Fuck. Right on that line. A fast rush of wind made her nipples harden under the chiffon tank top she was wearing.

She remembered that part on the video where the girl in red climbs the edge of the bridge and slowly drops herself forward. A shiver. As she turned around the corner, she caught sight of a black Lexus going opposite her direction. Her mind sheltered a tiny and absurd hope.

_Why would he come looking for you? That woman was always what he wanted. She understands him better, she's rational and forward thinking. They will complement each other. _

Thomas was probably waiting for her at home, he most surely had cooked something she liked. Her therapist had talked to him, he then knew she was in a state of deep anguish, bordering depression. Probably the change of residence, and a new job, and losing the firm and her coworkers, who were all she had. He suspected Harvey had a lot to do with her state, but he had never brought it up. Not if she didn't tell him.

_It's your birthday tomorrow, Donna, light up. You're alive._


End file.
